Peace and pursuit.

{Psalm 34:14}

Yesterday marked the official end to my freshman year of college. Not too long ago I was convinced college was just not for me, and I was going to uproot everything I knew and make my way to an undecided country in Africa. While I am certain I would love my life as a full-time caregiver at an orphanage, had that been the choice I made, I am thankful that I chose to stay in North Carolina and pursue my dreams of being an educator. But it's summer now, so enough about school! Let's get down to why I really opened up this blank page and began typing today (and it was not to show you an artsy picture of my back deck brunch).

For the past two summers, I have served as a missionary to the North Memphis community through a wonderful organization. In a nutshell, my job was to bridge the gap between volunteer mission teams and the people of the community we serve. I navigated cultural barriers and tended to physical and emotional needs as a gateway to sharing the soul-healing gospel of Jesus Christ. It was my responsibility to know the names, personalities and home situations of a few hundred munchkins, and to love them equally but accordingly. Around twenty of us who held these positions lived in an urban private school with which our organization partners. We lived as a family to each other as we were all away from our homes, sharing in laughter and tears, daily meetings and outdated salads from the local market. Nobody understands the bitter-sweetness of our job quite like another staff member, and we could not ever seem to imagine life apart from each other or our inner city kiddos. However, the time comes for all of us when we do have to leave, whether it's until next summer or forever. And right now, I'm caught in an in-between.

Back in October when I had to decide whether or not I would commit to serving Tennessee another summer, I was dealing with a lot of self-doubts and social anxieties. I decided that neither of those things would benefit me as a missionary, and felt I needed to work through some of my uncertainties with God before giving a definite answer on whether or not I would return to Memphis. As I began to pray about my issues and count up the costs of staying versus going with Christian friends and mentors, I sensed God calling me to a season of rest. I realized that my heart was not in a position to lead others humbly and that trying to pour into others from a leaky vessel was counterproductive. Now, this is not to say that Jesus does not use the broken to heal the broken, because oh does he ever. This is just me saying that I have recognized a need within myself to draw nearer to Jesus before continuing to teach others how to do so. I will continue to serve the Lord with my life as I stay in my small town for the summer, but I am choosing to trust that Jesus will place the care of the community and volunteers I love more than my own life in the hands of someone who is equipped and ready to receive them.

Nothing about the decision to stay has been easy. In fact, I'm nearly sobbing as I type these words. What I can tell you though is everything about this decision has brought me peace. Peace is not a state of calm and quiet before or after a war; peace is having renewed trust and hope in the middle of a storm. Peace has to be pursued, but it comes from the Lord who pursues us and it is a beautiful gift up for grabbing. The majority of my friends, both from home and college, are pursuing the Lord on the mission field this summer as camp counselors. I have a joy for them I cannot contain, knowing God is going walk with them every step of the way. Still, it is hard for me to know that while they are all gone I am going to stay. Home is a hard mission field to be on, but I am confident that the Lord has great things he wants to accomplish here. And I have no doubt that in faithfulness he will use me to complete missions of peace and pursuit here over the course of summer. I am beyond thankful for the overwhelming encouragement I have received thus far, and I humbly ask your continued prayers as I seek to deepen my roots in the steadfast grace of Jesus this summer. (If only I can keep finding him over my morning coffee and eggs.)

Despite the decision to retire from my position, I will be spending a week in July in Memphis with my home church. I look forward to reconnecting with the returning staff and kids I have loved for the last two summers, and I anticipate the infinite ways God's glory and grace will shine around us. Grace & peace to you all, blog readers. Remember to seek peace and pursue it, and in the name of Jesus, you all are sent to love and grow.